by Whitney Randall (USA)
These past couple weeks have been absolutely life changing for me. God is really messing me up in the most amazing way. Instead of just believing things that I’ve known since I was little…I’m beginning to ask myself if I truly believe it or if I just know the truth. There is a difference. Cause if I believed everything I know in my head, my life would look a lot different and my heart would see with different eyes. So I am asking the fundamental questions of Christianity and the whole thing of this relationship with God. How does it work? Why does it work? I mean why did God send Jesus to the cross to pay for my sins? How is that personal for me? How does the blood of Jesus work? What changes inside me that allows “Gods blood” to “wash away my sins”? He loved us so much “He died” for us….why? Trying to answer these questions in non Christian “ESE” terms seems impossible. I know there has to be an aspect of God that will be mysterious till the day we die but I think there’s so much that we don’t know but have answers to. And how am I supposed to tell someone else about my faith if it’s not even really something living in me?

Oh man, so many questions…but I can feel the excitement of the Holy Spirit even now as I’m writing about it. For example, I remember a boyfriend once said to me, “I want to know you Whitney, I want to know what every facial expression you make means…I want to know what every tone of your voice means…I want to be able to read your eyes and know what your feeling. I can’t wait till I know you like that.” And as some people feel guilty when they ask questions about God like I am…God reminded me of that time when my boyfriend said that to me, and how good that made me feels. It would seem silly for me to get angry at him for not knowing these things already. Instead I couldn’t wait to share my heart with him and answer the questions he didn’t understand about me. How much more excited is Jesus to revel Himself to us? The pure excitement of being in a relationship where you know the one you love so well, you COULDN’T dought them. I want that with God. And if I always have the answers and never ask them, then I’ll never receive the truth in my heart for myself…

So yeah it’s a journey…and I feel as though I’m beginning to know my pursuer…He is amazing though. I just want to know HOW amazing, and all the things that make up His character to MAKE Him so awesome. Because when I find THAT out is when I know what I’ll be striving after in my own heart. But without a clear vision of what I want to become, to say “I want to be like Jesus,” seems pretty silly to me…so the journey continues…

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